Thursday, February 12, 2015
Rules of Engagement...NOT!
Being married for almost 8 years, I have realized that this IS NOT easy. Even when you thought you have found your soul mate, marriage if f****** hard. I'm not going to into the whole "some days are good and some days are bad". We know that. Everyone knows that. That is to be expected in ANY relationship. Of course there will be ups and downs and loop-de-loops. Nothing in this world is perfect. And that is especially true in marriage.In 2007 my husband and I decided we were going to take the big plunge. We didn't plan this lavish wedding. We didn't look for a fancy venue. I didn't get an extravagant dress. No invitations were sent out. Heck, even shopping for a ring was a spur of the moment decision. I thought, wow, this is exciting. We were just going to go for it. That morning I woke up and I couldn't wait to get to the courthouse. I mean, who wouldn't be excited? I was about to marry my best friend. We didn't need a huge party. We didn't need a fancy ceremony. All we needed was each other (and a witness of course). In my eyes, it was perfect. In the courthouse waiting area my husband and I had a blast. We joked around, and took silly pictures. It's who we are. I'm not going to lie, it would have been nice to go through the whole wedding thing, but I'm happy we took the simple route.
After all this time together, I learned a few things. Marriage is something that you have to constantly work on. Over time you find yourself losing the spark, or not putting in the effort like you used to before. Being married I have realized some things that are important to me. I sometimes tend to focus on what I can do to make him happy, but what about me? Unfortunately, guys don't think about romancing their woman. Unless you are in the beginning of a relationship, or you were just lucky to have found that rare guy that is into that kind of stuff. Arguments will happen. There will be disagreements. And, of course, you will get mad at each other. Being home now, I look at things a little bit different. I don't have a "How To" list on having a perfect marriage because you know what? My husband and I are not perfect, but I can talk from experience. Some things we are great at, and some things we are still working on. Some of you may agree with what I have to say, and some of you may not, and that is ok. Everyone has their own idea of what makes them happy, or what makes a marriage work. Here are a list of some things I think are important...
Holding hands
When you start dating, you always hold hands. Whether it be while taking a walk, driving, having dinner, or just simply sitting next to one another. Holding hands makes you feel secure. It makes me feel close to you. Even when you are upset with me or I am upset with you, don't stop holding my hand. It symbolizes our bond. We have to make that effort to keep that bond strong. There have been plenty of times when I see an old couple holding hands. I find it so cute and heartwarming to see that after all these years they still want to hold each others hand. I hope that as time passes by, my husband and I still have that connection and will keep on holding each others hand.
This is probably one of the worst things you can do. How can you even think about going forward, if you are stuck in the past? I get it. I may not have been the best person and you were really hurt by it. But if you decided that you want to move forward in the relationship then you have to let go of those hurt feelings. Constantly bringing up the past is such a dirty way to fight. There is nothing that can be done about it. No magic wand that can be waved to undo all the harm that has been done. Don't keep punishing me for my mistakes, and I won't punish you for yours. Harboring feelings of resentment can only drive a deeper wedge between you and the one you love.
Part of what got us into this relationship was our physical attraction to each other. In the beginning I did my best to look good. And I am sure he did the same for me. So even when we have been together for a while, this should still be a priority. Admit it. Everyone wants to be desired. So I want to make sure I give him something to look forward to. For the sake of your happiness, please fix yourself up. Workout. Take a shower. Get your hair done. Wear perfume or cologne. You'd want them to do the same for you, so make an effort to keep their attention. Doing all of this also makes you feel confident, and that's sexy.
We all have our flaws. No one wants a constant reminder of what they are. This will only create feelings of inadequacy. I want you to bring me up when I am down. I want you to be my pillar of strength and I want to be yours. Be that driving force behind your man or woman. Let them know that through thick and thin, you will be there.
Agree to disagree
There will be those fights where none of you will agree. You are still going to stick to your guns and so will they. That is ok. Who are we if we don't stand up for what we believe in anyway right? So understand that. Learn to let it go. It's ok if he doesn't agree with you or you don't agree with him. Don't let it become something so huge that you two won't be able to see past it.
Don't stop kissing
Kissing is super intimate. I feel it plays a huge part in showing love and desire. Sounds corny, I know. But the fact of the matter is that kissing is another thing that keeps your bond strong. It doesn't have to be a full blown make out session, but giving your man or woman a kiss everyday shows that you still have that connection. It shows me that you could not wait to get home just so you could lay one on me. And that is so important. Even when I am mad at you or you're mad at me, still kiss me. It tells me that things are ok even when we fight.
Having fun together keeps things exciting. If you stop doing things that make you laugh, make you excited, life will just get boring. Do fun and stupid things together. It gives you things to reminisce about when you guys are old and gray together. And even then, still go out and have a grand old time (yes, pun intended). Make time to go out on dates and not just dinner then rush home to go to bed. I mean really go out. Put an effort into planning an evening together. Do things that he/she likes, even when they are not your type of activity. This speaks volumes to how much you value your time out and together.
Always show appreciation
Even for the little things. I want to know that what I did mattered. I want to know that you are happy to have me around. It's not being needy. I just want to know that you appreciate what I do, just like how I show you that I appreciate everything you do. I'm not asking you to stroke my ego. But think about how you feel when I tell you that something you did was great, or how awesome you are. I want to feel that too.
Have fun with sex (sorry mom)
Have fun with sex (sorry mom)
I apologize if I am getting too personal, but sex should not be a chore. It should not be boring, or mundane. It should not be used as a tool to get what you want. It should be fun. It should be enjoyable. Don't work so much that you don't want to have sex. It is great for your connection, and is a wonderful stress reliever. Not to mention, it makes you feel extremely sexy when you know your man is so turned on by you. So always make time for sex, even if it is just a quickie. It doesn't always have to be a fully orchestrated love scene with rose petals, silk linen and R&B playing in the background (even though that does sound nice). Some of us don't have time for all of that. The important thing is that you don't put your man or woman on the back burner. Doing so can leave them feeling rejected or inadequate.
This is so important. Having that person who supports you no matter what is such a phenomenal feeling. It makes me feel like I can conquer the world. Even when I hit a wall, my man is there to help me through it and encourages me to keep on going. Supporting your man/woman is one of the best ways you can show your love for one another.
Don't emotionally distance yourself after a fight
Doing this causes communication to shut down. That doesn't solve anything. A little bit of distance is good, and its ok to walk away when things are getting too heated, but make sure you let him/her know that you still love them. It's not about caving in, or about who "lost" the fight. It's about showing that even though you did have a fight, you guys can overcome anything. Don't be stubborn about it. Sometimes admitting that maybe you were wrong or blew things out of proportion is all that is needed to make things better.
If I am feeling some type of way, then please acknowledge it. Don't chock it up to me being emotionally unstable. If I am feeling hurt or upset, then maybe, just maybe, you had something to do with it. It is unfair for you to be able to express your feelings and have me deal with them if you are not willing to do the same for me. Many times all I need is your understanding (and maybe an apology, but I know that may be asking too much).
So there you have it. Life doesn't come with instructions. Only you know what works for you and your man/woman. Just try to take things one day at a time and communicate as best as you can. My husband and I are still learning how to master it all. But you know what. I don't think you can. Once you think you have it down to a science, everything changes. So just go with the flow and enjoy one another. Do you have any suggestions/tips to add to the list? What are your "rules" of engagement?
I completely agree with these tips. We've been married for almost 10 years (yay!) and it has been work. All the little things really do matter when you're with someone every single day. Right now I'm reading The Husband Project and it's been fun for me to follow the challenges. Thank you for sharing these tips. They are great reminders for everyone no matter how long you've been married.
ReplyDeleteYeah, I saw you mention The Husband Project on twitter. Gonna have to check that out. Thanks!
DeleteThese tips you provided is so true. I've been married since 2001 and everyday is a challenge. Lots of prayer keeps this marriage strong. Thank you for reminding me of some of these tips that I never realize. Hey we learn something knew everyday. Thank you...
ReplyDeleteYep. So true. Everyday is a learning experience. We just have to remember that no one is perfect and put our faith in God and know that he will get us through the bad times as well as the good.
DeleteGreat advice. I think sometimes men does not even know that we feel they are dismissing our feelings. My husband saying is 'it's ok', which immediately ruffles my feathers because it's not ok. After a few years we discovered he just needs to say 'it will be ok' and I don't feel invalidated anymore. Silly little things that make a difference.
ReplyDelete#Creativebloggers
Yes. I thought I was being overly sensitive. Glad to see I'm not alone out there. Thanks Mariet!
DeleteGreat post. I am in my second marriage, and one thing I can tell you is, I after going through a really bad experience, I feel like I can appreciate my second husband all the more. No, he's not perfect, but he is a great man with a kind heart. We're a true partnership and a team, and yes, there are days when I want to choke him, but most of the time I just feel blessed to have him. :) You just gotta remember the days you like them on the days you don't! Ha!
ReplyDeleteEmily, that's great that you found someone that makes you feel blessed. And yes, sometimes you just have to remember the good, even when the bad is present. I have learned that men are literal beings. You have to be very clear about what you want/need and not always hope that they will figure it out on their own. Thank you for reading!
DeleteAll your points are spot on. Marriage is something as a couple you have to continually work at together. My husband and I separated for a short time, we are now back together and working on our marriage together. Communication is key, once you allow that to stop, things start to go south. Like you said, none of us are perfect. Together a married couple can make their own kind of perfect. I think it's remembering why you fell in love in the first place, to me that is the glue that holds everything together!
ReplyDeleteWell said. "A married couple can make their own kind of perfect". Only you two know what works for the relationship. Thank you for reading Jane
DeleteI agree! We married in 2005 as well. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteThank you for reading April!
DeleteWe've found a lot of these to be helpful in our marriage of 12 years too. Thanks for sharing!
ReplyDeleteAmy, 12 years married is great. I wish you many more happy years!
DeleteWe're celebrating 10 years and the point of having sex, it's true. You may be tired from a long exhausting day with the kids, but once things get going you'll forget about all that. You'll feel more connected and wondering why you didn't want to initiate things earlier. Thanks for sharing!!
ReplyDeleteYes, so true. Even though we are tired most of the time, it is so important we make that effort for each other. It pays off in the end *wink, wink*. Thanks Jenn!
DeleteBeen married for 12 years and staying connected and intimate is critical. Marriage is work but it's amazing!
ReplyDeleteI completely agree. We are still learning. Thank you for reading.
DeleteLove it! I'm in my second marriage as well but it's so much better this time around. We have just recently had a kid so a lot of things have gotten harder to do. We have to watch when we are working too hard and not sleeping enough. We have to make the time to have fun and be silly. We talk about our goals and what we're working on all the time. Support in every way is so important. No matter how tough things get, we have to keep trying. We have to keep making time. Personally, I think touch is one of the most important things. It connects you in ways that don't otherwise.
ReplyDeleteGreat insight. We make sure to try and enjoy each other as much as possible. No matter how tough things get. Thank you SM!
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